“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
- Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
- Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife
I’ve never really had faith in relationships, even when I’ve been in them for years. I’ve never truly felt that it would last. There was always a hint of doubt at the back of my mind.
After my last serious relationship ended, the last thing I wanted was to start another. I was extremely apprehensive when I met you, because I was equal parts drawn to you, and wanted to go as far in the opposite direction of you as possible. I knew early on that I was going to be extremely attached to you, and that scared the hell out of me.
Sometimes (most of the time), I really struggle with articulating my feelings. Especially in the heat of the moment. Hours later I can think of a hundred things I wanted to say, but at the time I draw a blank. So here are a couple things I want to say.
This relationship has started to restore my faith in relationships in general. So far nothing that has happened has ever made me reconsider my feelings for you or doubt the future of our relationship. I’ve never felt like I wanted to give up. The good has tremendously outweighed the bad for me.
When you said you wanted me to give you faith in relationships again, I took it the wrong way. It took me a bit to realize that you weren’t asking me to prove our relationship to you. I truly think you want to feel secure in us, and I hope that eventually you will. I want that for you too and I will do everything I can to help you get there.
The only reason you are able to hurt me, is because you are also able to make me care. That is not a bad thing. Like I said, the good has outweighed the bad. For every time I feel hurt by you, there’s a hundred more times that I feel happy and loved.
You asked me what I loved about you and I took the easy way out and listed the things that I am physically attracted to. Again, I’m not very good with expressing myself on the spot. So here’s a couple:
- I love that I always feel safe with you. I feel like you’re protective of me, but not in an overbearing way.
- I love that you make me laugh. Even when I’m trying to be mad at you, you somehow make me laugh.
- I love how you make me nervous all the time. I thought it would go away after the first couple months I knew you, but if possible it’s just gotten worse.
- I love that you’re smart. You’re way smarter than you give yourself credit for.
- I love how much you care about other people. The way you care about your friends and family, and me. It comes across as so genuine and it’s one of the biggest reasons I fell in love with you so quickly.
- I love that I can picture a life with you. I hope that me saying that doesn’t scare you. But for the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I can actually see a future in a relationship. I can’t picture myself without you anymore. It doesn’t even seem like an option.
I am still debating whether or not I will show you this, but either way I needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. Thinking about it all overwhelms me a bit and writing about it is the only thing that helps. I’m sorry I can’t say any of this to you when it counts. It takes me some time, but I get there eventually.
Take turns telling each other one story that makes each of you feel a little bit like you’ve been stabbed in the gut.
Let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start there."